When you’re concerned that your fiancé drinks too much, it can be hard to know what to do. Knowing how to help an alcoholic fiancé isn’t easy, but there are steps you can take to encourage them to get the help they need.

Keep reading to learn about alcohol addiction, the signs your fiancé is addicted to drinking, how to gently approach them, getting support for yourself, and finding treatment that works.

Understanding Alcohol Addiction

Alcohol addiction is a medical condition and brain disorder where a person feels compelled to drink alcohol despite the negative social, psychological, occupational, and health effects of alcohol on their life.¹ It occurs due to lasting brain changes caused by ongoing alcohol use, which make it very difficult for a person to stop drinking on their own.¹Medical experts diagnose alcohol addiction as an alcohol use disorder, or AUD.¹

Does My Partner Have a Drinking Problem?

If your fiancé is addicted to alcohol or struggling with alcohol misuse, they might display problematic drinking patterns. This can include drinking more than they say they will or making attempts to stop or cut back on their drinking but being unsuccessful in doing so.¹You might also notice that they engage in the following patterns of problematic alcohol use:²

Binge drinking, which means consuming 4+ drinks for a woman or 5+ for a man in one sitting, or roughly two hours time.
Heavy drinking, meaning 5+ drinks per day or 15+ per week for a man, or 4+ drinks per day or 8+ per week for a woman.
High intensity drinking, which refers to drinking 2 or more times the level of binge drinking, so around 10+ drinks for men and 8+ for women.
Alcohol misuse, which refers to any pattern of drinking that causes harm to the person and those around them.

Awareness of these signs is the first step in understanding how to get your fiancé to stop drinking. It can help you know when it’s time to encourage them to seek treatment so they can regain control of their lives.

Signs Your Significant Other May Struggle With Alcohol Addiction

The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), provides the diagnostic criteria that medical professionals use to formulate an AUD diagnosis. While only a qualified healthcare professional can diagnose AUD, it can be helpful to understand the DSM criteria, which includes:³

Using alcohol in larger amounts or over a longer period than originally intended.
A persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control alcohol use.
A great deal of time is spent on activities necessary to obtain alcohol, use alcohol, or recover from its effects.
Craving, or a strong desire or urge to use alcohol.
Recurrent alcohol use that results in a failure to fulfill major role obligations at work, school, or home.
Continuing to use alcohol despite having persistent or recurrent social or interpersonal problems caused or exacerbated by the effects of alcohol.
Giving up or reducing important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of alcohol use.
Recurrent alcohol use in situations in which it is physically hazardous to do so.
Continuing alcohol use despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical or psychological problem that is likely to have been caused or exacerbated by alcohol.
Tolerance, which means either that there is a need for markedly increased amounts of alcohol to achieve intoxication or the desired effect, or a markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of alcohol.
Withdrawal, which means characteristic withdrawal symptoms (such as insomnia, hand tremor, nausea, or vomiting) when they stop drinking; they use alcohol or a closely related substance, such as a benzodiazepine, to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.

How to Approach Your Fiancé About Their Drinking Habits

It can be hard to know exactly how to help a fiancé who drinks too much, but the fact that you are reading this shows that you are committed to helping them recover. There are certain steps to consider when approaching your fiancé, such as:^4,5

Educating yourself about alcohol addiction so you know what your fiancé is facing.
Writing a list of your concerns so you can organize your thoughts and refer to it during the discussion if needed.
Finding the right time to talk, which should be when they’re not intoxicated or mixing alcohol with other substances.
Maintaining empathy and avoiding judgmental statements, such as, “You drink too much,” or “You’re an alcoholic.” These are stigmatizing phrases that can cause them to become defensive and resistant to help.
Encouraging them to talk about how they feel, and asking if they are willing to seek treatment.
Suggesting that you research rehabs together, encouraging them to seek other forms of professional help like counseling, or asking if they might consider self-help groups like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

Helping vs Enabling Your Fiance’s Alcohol Addiction

It can be hard to know the difference between helping and enabling, which refers to behaviors that serve to perpetuate another person’s negative behaviors, like excessive alcohol use.⁶ Enabling behavior can involve:⁶

Giving them money to buy alcohol.
Paying their bills.
Bailing them out.
Calling in sick to work for them.
Making excuses to others for their absence at social events, such as when they are hungover.

Developing awareness of these behaviors and setting appropriate limits can help you avoid enabling, which can therefore allow your partner or fiancé to take responsibility for their actions and seek help. It’s not easy, but it’s possible, and the benefits of changing these patterns far outweigh the consequences of continuing to enable their alcohol addiction.

Support for Partners of Alcoholics

Helping your partner with alcohol addiction can be taxing for you and take a toll on your health and wellbeing. Seeking support can help you cope and put you in touch with others who are in similar shoes. Attending support groups like Al-Anon, which are specially designed for loved ones of those with alcohol problems, can provide you with valuable support, encouragement, and information.

It’s also important to take care of your needs and ensure that you are safe. If you ever feel unsafe, you can take certain steps:⁷

Trust your feelings. If you feel unsafe, you should take it seriously.
Learn about warning signs of domestic violence and other controlling behaviors.
Leave the situation, if possible, and safe for you to do so.
Make sure you get support, whether that’s from family and friends or a mental health professional (and if possible, both).
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) to connect to resources in your area.
If you are in danger, call 911 right away.

If you are interested in seeking help for another person you care about who may be struggling, the following guides can help:

Finding an Alcohol Rehab for Your Significant Other

It’s a positive sign that you’re willing to help your partner seek help. Understanding the various levels of care allows you to help them understand what treatment might look like. Treatment settings can vary depending on their unique needs, preferences, and situation.⁸

Medical detox, which can help your fiancé undergo alcohol withdrawal with medical support, supervision, and, if applicable for their needs, medications for AUD.
Inpatient drug and alcohol rehab, which means that your fiancé will live onsite at a treatment center, where they’ll receive 24/7 care and attention.
Outpatient addiction treatment programs, which means that your fiancé lives at home but will go to a rehab on a regular basis.
Treatment for co-occurring disorders, which can help if your fiancé has an addiction and a mental health condition, such as depression or anxiety.

Start the Recovery Journey Today

If you are ready to find treatment options for yourself or a loved one, get started right now with our free rehab locator tool. Find addiction treatment facilities that take insurance, inpatient rehabs, outpatient rehab programs, and more.

How to Help Your Partner or Fiance With Alcohol Addiction